5 Mistakes People in Broken Marriages Make

1. Not seeking professional mediation/counseling - Marriage is a complex relationship to maintain. Keeping yourselves healthy as a couple is hard. In fact, it’s so hard that I would never expect a struggling couple to be able to survive without help from someone trained to help people in a broken marriage.

If your marriage is broken, or injured badly, there’s no shame in seeking professional help. The two greatest benefits that counselors typically offer are (1) helping with honest communication and (2) setting appropriate guidelines for each person moving forward. Your marriage needs both of these things to heal.

2. Making decisions too soon - When an event, like an affair or job loss, breaks your marriage, the worst thing you can do is make decisions too soon. The worst time to make life-altering decisions is when you’ve just experienced a trauma, and the death of your primary relationship is just about as traumatic as it gets.

Rarely do big decisions need to be made in a short time line. Most of the time we create false urgency when tragedy strikes our marriage, but you have time. Don’t rush to sell your home, move out, or quit your job.

3. Keeping it a secret - This one is simple. If no one knows about your pain, no one can help you. You don’t have to be as public as Erica and I have been about your marital issues, but you should find someone close that you can both confide in.

Try to avoid only having one-sided support relationships. Your own best friend is almost always going to take your side. Instead, find a couple that you both trust and can talk with honestly about your situation and lean on them for guidance, prayer, and support.

4. Forgiving too quickly - Forgiveness will need to happen if there has been hurtful things said or done in the course of breaking your marriage. But forgiveness isn’t something that can be forced, and rushing to forgive someone before you’ve both confronted the damage that’s been done is like rushing to repair a bridge before you’ve inspected it.

Take your time to forgive. Seek to find the root of the pain through honest communication with each other first. Then take time to internalize it and understand your spouse’s actions and their motivations. Then, out of a heart of understanding and patience, be ok with finding forgiveness slowly.

5. Punishing your spouse - Many spouses feel it’s their job to punish their partner when they’ve done something to break their marriage. It makes them feel like justice is being served or that a balance of pain is being accomplished. “You hurt me. So I’ll hurt you just as badly.

I did this to Erica when she admitted her affair to me. I forced her to tell her family and friends unceremoniously. I constantly brought up *her* failings in conversations, reminding her of her sins. I made it clear that my newfound insecurities were her fault.

Thankfully, Erica endured my unkindness, but those moments of my unloving attitude toward her created a larger gulf between us down the road when our bridge was being rebuilt.

Walking

I’ve been into walking lately. It’s not as intense as running or crossfit, but it has tons of upsides. It’s good exercise if you walk enough. It’s less strain on my body. It allows me more mental space to think because running takes mental focus for me. I can listen to talk radio and actually digest what they’re saying. It doesn’t wear me out and I have plenty of energy for the day. It’s enjoyable enough that I look forward to it each morning.

So I’m going to stick with walking for now.

Went for a nature walk with the whole family this morning. It’s amazing how tiring it can be to walk for an hour with a toddler. We walked around Spanish Pond and then to Fort Caroline (which is an actual fort from the 1500s here in Jacksonville).

This pic is Lucas riding a tree like a horse. The photo isn’t as funny as it was in person.

Went for a nature walk with the whole family this morning. It’s amazing how tiring it can be to walk for an hour with a toddler. We walked around Spanish Pond and then to Fort Caroline (which is an actual fort from the 1500s here in Jacksonville).

This pic is Lucas riding a tree like a horse. The photo isn’t as funny as it was in person.

Parallax has had its day

Parallax scrolling and all its cousins have had their time. I rarely see a site that is improved in any meaningful way by two backgrounds scrolling at different speeds. There are a few sites that use parallax sparingly, animating smaller elements on the screen, but the usefulness of those implementations is arguable and certainly not worth the headache of graceful degradation on smaller screens.

The last site I built has no parallax and is, in my opinion, better off for it. It’s simpler to navigate, focused on content, and faster to make changes to.